what's new

here we are, less than two months away.  can't believe it!  really trying to bust my ass with these workouts.  sunday morning i had a great run, 3.85 miles!  ran the whole time, longest run i've done so far.  i was pretty shocked i did it, and kept up a nice pace the whole time.  finally the running is getting easier.  today i really wanted to get a bike/run in outside, but the weather was so wacky that i ended up doing it at the gym.  i prefer to be out but not much i can do about that, gotta get the workouts in no matter what.  so 11.2 miles in 50 mins on the bike and then 2.3 miles on the treadmill, running the whole time.  feeling pretty good, my endurance is definitely improving, and i've lost a couple more pounds.  still getting nervous as hell though.  i keep thinking i could've done more, done better, etc etc.  but whatever, not trying to win it, just be in it.  


i've started this new diet called the ABS diet.  its not really a diet, just changing the way you eat.  its supposed to stress improving your metabolism and removing belly fat first, which from a medical standpoint is apparently the most unhealthy place for fat to settle and remain.  a lot of smoothies which i love anyway, and very healthy eating, stresses a lot of lean meats, fish, veggies, berries, beans and nuts.  just very natural and good for you.  tried out a few recipes and so far they are great!  what's good is its getting me cooking better meals.  i am the laziest cook ever, because i really don't enjoy it.  but i am actually enjoying this, and there are so many different combinations you can do so its not that high maintenance.  and the best part is the diet actually encourages one cheat meal a week!  love that :)  anyways, just thought i'd share that.  


tomorrow is a swim/weights day, thurs biking and hopefully i can get outside, friday denise.  weekends usually i do running and biking.  enjoy your week!

just one more post....

apparently i love to hear myself talk because i'm not really cutting back like i said lol.  but today was a significant day for a couple of reasons, and i feel i need to talk about them.  number 1, i rode the entire bike distance, 18 miles, for the first time today.  i had come close, but never the whole 18 miles.  actually i went 18.6 miles.  i was pretty beat when i was done, did a lot of hills so it was a tough but good ride.  and more importantly i'm getting more confident on the road, not as scared as i used to be.  it took me about an hour and 20 mins, which is way under disqualification time.  it does seem weird to me that you have 2 hours to bike, seems like a really long time.  maybe they give you extra time in case your tire blows out or something.  whatever, as long as i am under!  

secondly, i was pretty emotional this morning.  call me a crazy mommy, but today was abby's last day of pre-school and i was so sad!  i cried in the car before dropping her off, and the whole way home!  i am going to be a hot mess at her graduation tomorrow.  anyways, part of my sadness was that she is growing up, you know, my baby is getting so big so fast.  but the other part was while most people get to do it again with another child, i do not :(  i love abby with all my heart, but i'd be lying if i said it doesn't upset me that i don't have another kiddie to share the same moments and experiences with.  i feel sad for her too that all her friends have brothers and sisters, she talks about it sometimes.   anyways, nothing can be done about that right now, but it was how i was feeling today so an important thing to talk about.  thankfully i went right out for my bike ride when i got home, so no emotional eating today.  yay.  

well guess thats it.  hope i make it through tomorrow without too many tears :)

inspiration

i received a compliment from a very good friend yesterday.  she told me i have inspired her to start running, and now her husband is running too.  that made me feel soooo good, i can't even tell you!  to think that I actually inspired someone else, is the ultimate paying it forward.  i was inspired in the beginning by a couple of different people, and i'm happy to do it for others.  even my neighbor, who used to be a big runner but hasn't run in a few years, told me recently that she started running again and wants to do races with me.  very exciting!  its also good because the more people around me that are involved in fitness the more it keeps me going, and the harder it becomes to slack off.  its that competitive thing in me.  and how can i stop what i'm doing, when i've helped someone else to get moving??  the last thing i want to do is inspire someone to be an over-eating couch potato :)


yesterday was a lighter day, just ran on the treadmill for about 30 mins before abby's swim lesson.  running is starting to get a tad bit easier, which i'm thankful for.  its weird that despite these early morning wake-ups i'm not crazy tired during the day.  i'm thinking its gotta catch up to me eventually.  and that's why i have cases of red bull in my pantry!

ups and downs

well it's getting closer and closer!  only 61 days now, tomorrow it will be 2 months exactly.  holy crap did that fly by.  so i'm up ass early again, this time it was like 5:50.  just ridiculous.  i seriously can't understand it.  i'm like an 80 year old.  i always thought that if you were more active during the day, you sleep better at night.  its having the reverse effect!  


been keeping up with my workouts really well.  ran great on friday, little over 3 miles but didn't stop the entire way.  saturday i took a spin class and sweat my ass off which was awesome, i miss the spin classes so much!  i would really like to try and fit one in at least once a week, its just hard with all the other workouts.  and i'm really doing a lot outside now, i'm actually hardly at the Y now unless i'm swimming or with denise.  all my runs and biking are outside now.  everyone there must think i'm slacking off!  yesterday i swam and did a total body class (toning).  trying to incorporate more weights as well to build up my strength and tone more.  i like muscles.  so of course its a lot, i feel like there's just not enough time in the week to get it all in sometimes.  only two more months and then i can go back to regular working out, take more classes. i miss the variety of those too. that's ok though, i still think this was the best decision for me, to do this tri, it forced me into taking better care of myself and a regular exercise routine.  and i do think it's going to be a lot of fun.  so no matter how difficult it has been at times, i'm really glad i am doing it.  


as far as my weight loss, still struggling.  the summer is just the hardest time to lose weight.  weekends we're down the shore, or out somewhere.  and its just so easy to be bad.  like friday night mike and i went out to dinner, then saturday we took abby to point pleasant.  i don't even pig out, but i just don't have the leeway i used to when i was younger!  every little naughty morsel sets me back.  i went down to 179 as i said before, but then was back up 2, down 1, up 1, etc etc etc.  now this AM i'm back to 179.  i have to concentrate on having really good weeks, so if the weekends are a little crazy, it won't mess me up that much.  biggest thing is i just can't let it get me down.  it just sucks because i feel like i am trying, not like i'm going out to fast food every day.  guess its just the age haha, 36 is sooo old ;)

nothing really

i was thinking about how this blog has gone for me, and it has helped me get through some difficult times, writing about my issues was a great way to deal with things and help me figure stuff out.  but now i feel like i've made it through the toughest part, and writing about every workout is just boring.  so i think i'm going to start doing a weekly re-cap, unless something earth shattering happens that i must write about during the middle of the week!  


i really don't have much else to say other than that, ttys

getting lost=a good workout!

is anyone getting bored of this thing yet?  just wondering haha.  well overall i had a good weekend.  yes, i ate a bit more than i should've, drank a decent amount of beer, but i did go running saturday and monday morning, which i was proud of.  and btw, it was hot as hell!  i'm glad i got my ass out, if i'm going to indulge a bit i feel better about it if i throw some exercise in there! 


today i attempted another bike/run combo, with a little more success than last time!  i biked around monroe today, was shooting for 15 miles, ended up doing 16.  i got a bit lost in a couple of developments so i did most of my miles riding around trying to find my way out!  had never been in those developments so was doing some house hunting as well :)  killed two birds with one stone!  the biking isn't too bad, it gets a little hard around mile 9, but then once  i go a couple more miles it gets a little easier because i know i only have a few left.  so i got home, put on my running shoes and started running.  again, the transition sucks!  i wish i could explain it better, but i just feel all discombobulated.  i ran about a mile, and i swear it wasn't until after 1/2 mile that it started feeling a little more normal.  but barely, and i still felt like i was barely moving!  at least i did a longer distance this time!  but i'm glad i started doing this, and i'm definitely keeping it up, going to practice that at least twice a week.  i only have a little over 2 months left!  i can't believe it!  


so i think i'm over that weird slump i was in, feeling really motivated and making my workouts a priority.  and my sweet tooth has been mostly curbed, mostly....except these damn berry burst oreos i got for abby are killing me!  i only had 2 today, so not bad!  as long as i keep it to one or two a day, i'll be happy with that.  and when they're gone, i'm not buying them again!

feeling good :)

ok gonna get this done for today because i'm sure i won't feel like it later!  yesterday i had denise.  what an awesome workout!!  she mixed in some boxing and kickboxing with some running and other core/upper body exercises.  oh yeah, and of course squats and these side steps she makes me do with an elastic band around my ankles.  hmmm, did i miss anything?  the boxing was great.  been a long time since i got to hit the pads like that.  and i gave her quite a workout having to hold them!  she worked up a sweat as well!  ahhhhh soooo love that though, it was a lot of fun and i sweat my ass off.  


now i never know how i'm going to feel the next day after i train with her, most days i can't walk, so i either have my day off, or i'll do the elliptical because its no impact and the only thing i can manage!  but we had a bbq at my house last night, and although i did not eat too bad, i did have some dessert plus a few beers, so i really wanted to get a good workout in.  so i went out for a run, total distance almost 3.5 miles.  couldn't run the whole distance, most of it, but walked a little during the last mile.  my legs were a bit sore from yesterday, and it was really hot already.  but i was proud that i even went out at all!  and i ran most of it.  so i'm off to a good start this weekend, which is important since the weekends are always the hardest to manage.  well hope everyone has a great weekend, enjoy this beautiful weather!

good surprise!

well i got a nice surprise this morning!  i LOST weight!  i am in total shock.  i haven't weighed myself all week just because i felt like i wasn't doing well, so i didn't want the extra disappointment.  i decided to weigh-in this morning because i have denise today, and i wanted to see exactly how much trouble i was going to be in, and get my excuses ready to go haha.  and what do you know, i actually lost.  astounding.  and this loss pushed me past another goal i was reaching for--getting below 180.  i believe this could possibly spark my re-motivation, since i have promised myself that once i get below a certain point, i do not cross back over that line.  meaning, once i got below 190, i never went back there again.  so now i have to STAY below 180.  and what perfect timing, right before a holiday weekend.  yay!


yesterday i ended up going for a 12 mile bike ride after i dropped abby off at school. now i have to say, i am NOT a fan of road biking.  first of all, once you put that helmet on you look like a total dork.  biking is very demoralizing. i'm sitting in the parking lot of abby's school, all the moms driving by me, and manalapan moms mind you, while i'm getting all suited up for biking.  thankfully i could kind of hide behind the pilot.  its just impossible to look cool on a bike.  i did a 4 mile loop 3 times, and of course the first loop the chain came off while i was shifting.  on a main road!  and i'm scared as it is to ride on the road!  so i had to pull over, fix it, and then continue riding.  awesome.  then when i got done with the bike, i decided i would try to run a bit to see how i'd do.  i have done this at the gym, gone from the stationary bike to the treadmill with very little problem.  omg it was awful!  what a strange transition!  your body feels so weird and unnatural, i can't explain it.  my legs felt like they were barely moving, and i think i went about a half mile and couldn't run anymore!  i was talking to kara about it and she has experienced the same thing.  definitely have to get used to that, much more practice needed! at least i tried it and realized it early enough where i have lots of time to work on it.  


so today i have denise, we are boxing!!!  she has pretty much been doing strength training workouts with me, which i love, its a nice break from the other stuff.  i haven't boxed in so long i am really looking forward to it!


enjoy the weekend, looks like it is going to be beautiful!  my goal is to workout in the mornings, and enjoy the day whether we are bbq'ing or whatever, but in moderation so i don't wake up tuesday morning feeling guilty and miserable.  have a good one!

apparently i love mornings!!

up super early again!  a little after 5 today which is just pure insanity.  abby got up to pee, but came in my room first to give me a kiss, tell me she loves me and to sleep tight.  super sweet, i love her dearly.  but after she wakes me up, i realize i have to pee, and then i am too awake.  i just couldn't fall back asleep.  and these mother f'n birds are just chirping away.  i know people like that, hearing the little birdies chirping in the morning, but i just want to shoot them right out of the damn trees.  however i will say it does look very pretty outside, sun is coming up, blue sky, quiet and peaceful.  i can see why some are morning people. there really isn't any other time of the day thats like this.  maybe my body is telling me i should be a morning person.  who knows!


so this really has been a crap week for me with my eating/training.  i haven't done anything i said i was going to do, like writing stuff down, kick things up a notch, blah blah blah.  i need someone to kick my ass.  can i sit here and make excuses? of course. wanna hear 'em?  probably not, but you've already started reading so you might as well continue haha. yesterday i had a whole plan, spin in the AM cuz i haven't done it in a while, and its more fun than the stationary bike, but abby slept until 10 so i missed the class. and i didn't want to go to the gym late, cuz i had very important beach plans, and had to be back for abby's t-ball game, which ran late so it was too late to work out after.....yeah, sounds like someone with her priorities straight!  couldn't go to the gym late cuz i didn't want to get to the beach late and spend less time there.  so its thursday, and all i've done this week (other than the 5k) is a 40 min bike ride on monday, and 40 min swim on tuesday.  that's just not gonna cut it.  


ok, on to the eating.  i'm pretty sure i've figured that out.  another excuse, yes.  but an issue i am now seriously thinking i need to obtain professional assistance for. so....today was my due date.  i obviously knew it was coming, if the baby was actually born today, would've been his/her first bday.  so not the best day for me.  i thought about it over the weekend, told myself to just let it go, i can't keep getting upset every year at this time.  ha.  fat chance. anyways, don't really want to re-hash this whole thing but all i will say is that its upsetting to me that i get all thrown for a loop still when i'm having some emotional shit going on.  i have a book, about emotional eating.  maybe i should actually read it. i have a book about moving on after the loss of a baby.  maybe i should read that too.  while i do like self-help books, they're just hard to read.  not entertaining, remind you of your crap, not fun in the least.  but i should just read them and get it over with and see if they help.  


ok, so i'm not going to make any big proclamations today.  just going to try and get through the day, eat well and get a good workout in.  and maybe open one of those books.  

bad girl

ugh up early once again.  you'd think with all the exercise i'd sleep like a baby.  other than those few days i wasn't feeling well i can hardly sleep past 6:30 anymore!  it sucks!!!  yeah, i know some of you are up that early every day, but when you have a kid that sleeps until at least 8 every morning and i have absolutely no reason to get up it really blows.  oh well!  i probably should get my ass outta bed and do something but i just lay here and pout that i'm not sleeping haha.  anyways, yesterday was not the day i was hoping for.  went to the gym later in the day before abby's swim lesson, and planned on doing a longer bike ride and some weights after that.  but i got to the gym, went into denise's office to make our appt for this week, and ended up talking to her about the race for like 20 mins, so then i only had time to ride the bike for like 40 mins, and no weights.  i could've done more during her swim lesson, but i like to watch her, and they were also testing so i wanted to see how she was doing.  (she did great :))  but i did get a semi-decent ride in that short amount of time, just upped the level so it would be harder.  then my neighbor texted me at 9:15 last night to go for a walk, and we went out for about an hour so at least i got a little more exercise in.  better than nothing!  

and i guess i have to be honest here, although i'm embarrassed to admit it, i jumped at the chance to go walking with her because i am having the hardest time with eating!!  not so much regular food, but with sweets!!  which is strange for me because usually its the food i want more of.  but lately i want a damn package of cookies after every meal!  i do like a little sweet after lunch or dinner, sometimes both, but i can have like 2 hershey's miniatures, or something small like that, get the taste, and be completely satisfied.  omg, yesterday, after dinner, i had a pack of 100 calorie chocolate graham crackers, a handful of those mini-non-pareils, and then 4 small chips ahoy cookies.  i NEVER do that, so  wtf is going on with me????  and i know its so bad but i do it anyway!!  grrrrrr.  i gotta cut that shit out.  and no, its not my "time" either.  so i have decided to go back to writing down what i eat every day so i can stay accountable.  i swear, i am the most self-sabotaging person ever!  its aggravating, i'm like in a war with myself.  hopefully its just some weird phase my body is going through.  today is a swim day, and then i'll probably do the weights after that since i didn't do them yesterday.  and keep my sudden over-active sweet tooth in check!!

5K numero dos

today was the YMCA 5k, my second one since i started all this training.  like i said, this week i wasn't feeling great and wasn't expecting a good performance today.  even when i woke up i was feeling tired despite going to bed super early last night.  my friend kara and her fam picked me up (the kids were coming to cheer us on!) and i was just feeling like this wasn't going to go well for me!  did a little warm-up, little stretching and then it was time to line up.  i wished kara good luck and she shot off ahead of me.  i got passed by just about everyone right from the beginning (it was a smaller scale race) and i was struggling.  legs heavy already, low on energy.  i said to myself, nope, you're not going to make it, no friggin way.  the course was a loop you ran 3 times.  i told myself run one loop and then just walk it til the end.  that first mile was tough!  i ran it in a little less than 12 mins, and as i saw the time i said, man, if i just kept up this pace i'll beat my previous time.  so i kept running, but was really feeling crappy.  my legs felt horrible and i was not breathing great.  but i was starting to tell myself to just keep going, that i was tougher than this.  its only 3 miles, if i could do it in march, i can do it today.  2nd mile sucked.  the course was a mix of gravel trail, pavement, grass and sand.  once i got to the grassy part i was really having to push myself because it was slightly uphill, uneven ground, so you have to put in more of an effort.  i make a lot of noise so i'm like grunting and groaning haha, but i made it through that part, back to the pavement,  shortly after that passed the time and saw that i had done that mile in a little over 12 1/2 mins.  so still on pace to beat my other time. at that point, i was like, shit, you thought you'd be walking at this point, you have one mile to go, just keep running.  i was bound and determined to beat the time.  somehow i found a bit of energy and picked up my pace a bit, and when i looped around and saw the time again,(you actually passed the clock twice, once at the mile marker, and then the track looped around the building and back up past the clock again) it said 28, and i was already into the third mile, so i got excited because from that point it would've had to take me about 13 mins to tie my previous time. i was like, you've already got some of the 3rd mile gone and there's no way its going to take you that long from this point to finish.  so again, trying to keep up this faster pace, and then i get to the grassy part again.  i was like, just haul ass through it, get back to the pavement and sprint to the finish.  and thats exactly what i did!  groaning the whole time!  and then as i'm getting closer to the finish, i see kara running back towards me, with a bottle of water, cheering me on to the finish.  so i get closer and see the clock says 36, so i was like, holy shit!!  i'm really going to do it!!  then i really took off and make it just over 37 mins.  not sure of the exact official time, i have to see when its posted, but i think its around 37:15.  i honestly have no idea how i did it.  running is a funny thing.  just when you don't think you could possibly make it any further somehow you just pull it out of your ass and totally surprise yourself.  which is what kara said to me before the race started....that i just might surprise myself!  i'm not even being dramatic, i can not believe i finished with a lower time.  totally proves this shit is mostly mental.  physically i felt like crap, but once i actually started telling myself i could do it, i kicked ass.  well, for me haha.  kara finished 10 mins ahead of me (and she was unhappy!  go figure!)  at one point, i saw her running one way and i yelled out to her she better not lap me :)


so, it ended up being a great day, i was beyond excited, and this is just what i needed to get this resurgence of energy towards my training.  i only have a little over 2 months left to train and can't afford to slack off now.  thanks kara for the end of the run encouragement!!  i need someone to do that for me every race....mike did it the first one, hmmm, who can i pay to run next to me at the tri and yell at me to keep going????

wow long time no write

i can't believe how long its been since i've written!!!  how horrible.  you guys have probably given up on me.  ok, well let's start out with the excuses.....was on vacation, was dealing with abby's allergy issues the week we came back, then this past week i wasn't feeling too well so i was going to bed pretty early every night.  it really has been a crazy couple of weeks.  i hope i haven't lost all my followers, cuz i had so many :)  


well let's start out with vaca.  cayman was amazing as usual.  i did workout about 5 of the days there, did the treadmill and/or bike.  i only ended up swimming 2 of the days we were there.  honestly, i didn't like it at all.  it was extremely hard and i swallowed a lot of salt water which burns your throat.  the only good thing that came out of it was i changed my breathing pattern so every other stroke i take a breath ( i was doing this to avoid picking my head up on the ocean side, cuz when i did i swallowed water from the waves).  its different from the way i was taught, but since i've been home i've been swimming this way and i am seriously doing SO much better in the pool.  the length of my tri is between 26 & 27 laps, and i did 28 laps in 25 minutes.  that is the best i have ever done, and under the time that will disqualify me.  yay!!  so now i am so much less worried about the swim.  just took one little tweak.  


i have also gone on a couple of long bike rides, which was hard for me because i'm terrified of riding the bike on busy roads!  so far i am still alive.   


ok, so now the issues.  the last two weeks have not been stellar as far as my training is concerned.  i have not lost any more weight, and my running is worse.  waaaahhhhh.  my fault, indeed.  i definitely have had a lot going on, and i have been working out, but i feel like some of the workouts have been rushed, and somewhat inconsistent.  like i've probably only run like 4 times in the last two weeks, and i have a 5k sunday.  i ran a little over 2 miles this morning, and i honestly don't know how much further i could've gone without needing to take a walk break.  pathetic!!  i'm going to do worse this time than i did in march :(  this week was tough because i wasn't feeling very well, was all congested so when i exercised it was hard to breathe, plus i was so tired.  i actually went to bed a couple of times at around 10 this week and slept until after 8, which is a lot of sleep for me.  so i definitely wasn't feeling well.  but regardless, the tri isn't going to feel sorry for me.  i have the race on sunday, and then i need to step it the fuck up.  seriously, i have about 2 1/2 months left to train, and i don't want the day to be a struggle.  not looking to win obviously, but i don't want to feel like i'm dying the whole time.  so, no more fucking around, no matter what is going on, i need to make working out a top priority.  and be more accountable with my eating.  i always have trouble after i go on vacation, hard to go back to eating normal, healthy portions again!  this week has been better, but again, not stellar.  time to be stellar!!  


so, this race will start me off to stepping up the intensity on my training.  eating better, and writing this blog so i stay accountable.  NO MORE EXCUSES!!

random shit

don't you hate it when you're sitting on your couch at night and you're absolutely starving??? i swear i get so hungry late at night.  i could eat an entire pizza i think.  and then maybe a nice big bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream.  the real kind, no light or low fat shit.  ohhh yeaahhh baby.  all right enough of that.  can i complain for just a second??  like i would go a post without complaining.  my legs are killing me.  they just hurt hurt hurt.  my ass hurts too.  my knees hurt.  i feel like a 90 year old woman.  


on a positive note, i wore some khaki capri's today that were way too big on me, so when i came home i tried on some other pants i had from less fatter days.  ehh, whatever, i'll just say the sizes.  the pants i had on today were size 16, and they were clearly too big.  i could pull them away from my body like they do on the commercials, and could pull them off without unbuttoning them.  so i found 3 other pairs of pants in my closet.  one size 12, and two size 14's.  so i tried on the 12's first, thinking there was no way in hell.  got a wonderful shock when they fit!!  and then....i tried on the 14's, which i could barely fit over my ass!!  WTF is that all about??  extremely strange if you ask me.  i mean, in this case, i got the better end of the deal, fine, fuck you 14's, i'll wear the 12's!!!  but isn't that bizarre?  all 3 from old navy too.  whatevs.  


so today was my "easy day".  50 min interval program on the elliptical.  i have denise tomorrow morning, and she was away last week, so i'm sure she will have a lot of pent up torture in store for me.  oh joy.  

My inspiration with a great post....

We have a bad day--or a bad couple of days...

And it pulls us down. Hard.

There have been many times in the past two years of this voyage when I’ve had some very depressed episodes over a few days of eating poorly. Some negative attitudes will occasionally perpetuate themselves—ultra guilt-trips after a couple missed training runs.

A weigh-in or two that doesn’t go the right way. A pound or two gain. Or even the “just a pound” loss.

We beat ourselves up even worse than we did when this was our life.

But it still is our life. And we have to remember that these two or three day binges used to be the norm. Grab our belt and see how many notches we’ve carved out. Step on that scale again and realize how many pounds you’ve shed. Try on that XXXL shirt that used to be a little tight. Now it could be your blanket.

We can’t let the failures of success keep us from trying to be successful. We’ve come too far to let it stop us now.

Just put down the burger finish the burger—you deserve it—and then go for that scheduled four-miler today.

that was a post from the blog that i follow, www.bendoeslife.tumblr.com.  he is basically the guy that got my ball rollin'.  you should seriously check out his story, his blog is waayyy more interesting than mine!!  anyways, i just love this because its just so true, and attitude really is the biggest battle of the whole process.  as you can tell, my mental state is pretty unstable haha, and i'm always getting caught up with the emotional downfalls, and sink into self-pity.  no good ever comes from that.  so i just wanted to share that little piece as it speaks volumes to me!

today i did well at the gym, biked 12.4 miles in 50 minutes....last time i did 11 miles in 50, so i was happy with that!  swimming is just swimming i guess, i am doing better i think, but who knows, my form just always feels off, i have no idea if i'm swimming right!!  and the pool is just grossing me out.  they really need to clean the bottom.  i swear there is stuff growing down there.  whatever, when i go on vacation next week, i will be swimming in the ocean, and that will be a true test of the progress i've made.  i won't really know how far i've gone, but at least i will be able to see how long i can go without stopping.  in the race, i have 30 minutes to complete the swimming part.  if i compare that to the times for the bike and run, it seems like i should have a lot of time.  for instance, the bike limit is 2 hours, and so far i am doing more than half in less than an hour.  so it seems like i should have a lot of leftover time, right??  so maybe the swim will be like that too, and i will have plenty of time to complete it without getting disqualified.  yep, panicking again!  i told ya, when i really start to break it down i get nervous.  ok well enough analyzing, don't want to think about that anymore. 

well mike just told me i'm babbling so i guess i'll stop writing now.  dick.  

willpower, at least better than usual

so how is everyone feeling this gloomy day after easter?  me??  tired as shit haha.  had a really nice holiday, went down to my sis-in-laws for our annual brunch and then hanging out at their house afterwards.  i was proud of my eating at brunch....had an egg white omelette (btw just had to google how to spell that, it kept underlining it in red and i was like how the hell do you spell it!!!)  and fruit, then i had some salad, steamed beans and carrots, and a small piece of salmon.  no potatoes or belgian waffles which are like my favorite parts of brunch!  oh well, maybe next year when i'm skinny :)  i did have two mimosa's though, probably the worse thing i had....but you can't go to brunch and not have mimosa's, that would be tragic!  anyways, i was proud to have maintained some sort of self-control, because usually i use days like that as excuses to "be bad", but i am really trying to do the best i can even on special days.  because, really, you can make any day a special day....thats how you get yourself to this point in the first place!  oh, its the first thursday of the month, i must have five guys!  birthdays, holidays, weekends, even book club, it all centers around food!  

yesterday afternoon while everyone was just hanging out i went on a long run outside.  i really didn't want to take the day off considering saturday, my stupid stomach was acting up again, and i didn't get to do the swim/bike workout i had planned.  luckily i was totally fine yesterday so i think i'm am for real cured now!  anyways, the run wasn't easy, it was sooo hot yesterday and my legs felt like a ton of bricks.  i managed to do about 3 miles i think, but it was rough for sure!  no biggie, i know not every run is going to be great.  at least i did it.  then at night my mother-in-law made sauce, and my sis-in-law made this concoction she called dirt cake.  yes i had the cake, it was awesome, and one of those things that is worth being bad over!  as is the sauce :)  but i wasn't horrible, did not totally overdo it, and i will be back to the grind this week.  

feeling a little better emotionally as well, don't worry, i'm sure i'll have another breakdown soon haha.  had a couple of sad moments about my grandma.  friday morning when abby was working on easter crafts to give to people, i asked her who she wanted to give the first one to, and completely on her own, she said "i want to give it to Babci, it would make her so happy."  (Babci is grandma in Polish btw).  so i had to excuse myself to cry of course, but i thought it was the sweetest thing.  i'm going to send it to my mom, which i'm sure will make her cry too, but i think she'll like it.  i felt sorry for my mom yesterday, first holiday without my grandma, plus it was her birthday as well.  double whammy.  she sounded so sad when we called.  anyways.....

well hope i survive this week with all this damn easter candy in my house now from a certain grandma of abby's!!  the fact that we leave saturday for vacation will help--yayyyyyy!!!!!!!!!  

adios tummy troubles :)

woke up today feeling better which is good, although i was two lbs up when i weighed myself.  no biggie, i knew the "stomach bug" pounds would probably not stick!  it is still weird though, i really didn't eat much yesterday either, so i'm not sure how i put 2lbs on yesterday, considering i still wasn't feeling that great.  but whatever, seriously its a mystery the way the weight loss thing works.  its just bizarre sometimes.  anyways, luckily i was able to get out for a run this morning...did about 3.5 miles which i was happy with considering i did no exercise wed & thurs.  again, my knees bother me a bit towards the end of my run, but i'm hoping that as i continue to lose weight that will be less and less of an issue.  definitely felt good to be out, i really enjoy running outside so much more than inside on the treadmill.  i think that will help with the monotony of the workouts as well....once this weather shapes up and i can start being outside more i think i will get back to being excited about this whole thing.  i'm trying to decide though where to ride my bike.  not going to lie, a bit nervous about the long rides on busier roads.  i've taken abby around on my mountain bike in the neighborhoods and stuff, but to go out on the 10 speed on regular roads makes me worried!  i'm so afraid to get hit haha.  i'm really trying to think of somewhere i can go where there is a lot of shoulder and the traffic is not so crazy.  oh well, i'll figure something out.  if you think running multiple miles on the treadmill is boring, try biking 10+ miles on a stationary bike.  total crap haha.  


well hope everyone had a nice earth day.  and remember, earth day should be every day :)  

i'm back peeps

so its been a while since i've written....and i am disappointing some of my fans haha.  see, i really stop writing as a test...then i know who's actually reading this :)  in truth though its just been a difficult month.  my grandma passing has really hit me hard and i'm having a tough time with it.  honestly, these last couple weeks have really been a blur.  and this week i just hit some kind of wall with everything else.  have you ever felt like going postal, burning your house down, and then jumping off a cliff all at the same time????  well thats kind of how i felt this week.  its just one of those moments in life when everything hits you at the same time.  those who know me the best know i have lots of issues with death, not that anyone doesn't, but it gives me anxiety attacks.  unfortunately i have had to dig in to my xanax a few times to get through these last two weeks.  the tri-training is definitely starting to wear on me, i hit a high note with the y-tri, and i don't know if its because of the emotional blow with losing my grandma, but every workout the last couple of weeks is such an effort.  i'm sick of it in a way, don't want to go to the gym.  i miss regular working out, mixing up the workouts, a kickboxing class here and there.  i think part of it is that the workouts are tough on me due to my weight.  my cardiovascular fitness is much improved,  but the longer i run, the more my knees hurt when i'm done.  i just have to work out so hard every time, no easy days, and its wearing on me.  not trying to be complainy, just being honest.  and then there's all this other shit going on which i'm not even going to get into, but like i said its like everything happens at once!  i just need to get my head screwed back on right again.  going on vaca in 10 days so maybe that'll help!  i full well plan to keep up with my workouts, and not go crazy with the eating.  but vaca is always good for the head.  


so i've been doing my best keeping up with the workouts, even though for whatever reason i'm enjoying them less right now.  i'm sure that will change, and that even the best athletes in the world get sick of their training routines.   its all mental.  also, i did weigh myself this AM, after having a rough afternoon/evening with some major stomach issues, i have lost 21 lbs haha.  i hope those last couple stick since they came off not by choice!  i'm hoping to get to the gym today at some point, depending on how i'm feeling.  we shall see.  thanks to those still reading and sticking with me :)  

coping

well its been an incredibly difficult week :(  my grandma passed away on tuesday morning.  i'm so sad and will miss her more than i can say.  she had such a hard life and the end was not kind to her either.  i am glad her suffering is over though, and i hope that she is somewhere now where she can finally be happy and have some peace.  


my workouts this week were definitely affected, as i didn't sleep much since i was up crying a lot at night, and naturally my eating wasn't great.  a little disappointed in myself that i can get sucked right back into that emotional eating.  i think after my mom called i went in the cabinet and ate like 15 oreos.  that was probably the worst thing i did, but it was so weird.  i have been doing really well controlling my hunger, and only eating when i truly feel hungry, meaning i have made major cutbacks on the relentless snacking.  but the couple of days after she passed i was putting something in my mouth every hour it seemed.  and felt like i didn't have control over it, like i just had to eat something to make myself feel better.  i'm sure if i really tried i could control it, but it just doesn't seem like it at the time.  its crazy.  so even though i have made lots of good changes for my lifestyle, as long as nothing emotionally difficult happens, i'll be ok....???  and as soon as i actually have to cope with something, it all goes to shit.  how the hell do i control that??  it scares me to think that god forbid something bad happens, like this week, and all the hard work i'm doing is going to go down the toilet.  i need to fix that because that is how i got here in the first place, and like i said, i apparently have not learned any better coping skills.  i guess because i am working more on the physical stuff, like losing weight, changing my body, etc.  idk.  damn it.  i wish my old therapist still took my insurance.  she was so good, but stopped accepting my insurance, and who can afford to pay a therapist out of pocket once a week.  oh well.  and i haven't even been to the services yet, they are monday and tuesday.  so i haven't even been through the worst of the sadness part.  i guess i will really have to find some strength somewhere.  not only just to get through the services, but to cope in a way that does not have me eating everything in sight.  the worst is the sneaking.  i can sit there and have a piece of chicken and some salad in front of everyone, but then i'll sneak off and look for some other bad shit to eat.  ridiculous.  i hope i can just remind myself that no matter how sad i am, no amount of food is going to bring my babci back, or make me feel better about the fact she's gone.  UUGGGHHHHHH.  why can't life just be sunshine and rainbows, and people you love live forever????  


anyways, so i don't think i ever wrote about the results of my mini-tri.  i came in third place which was exciting for me.  i actually win some kind of prize.  they weren't going to have the prizes ready until this monday, so i'll get it when i get back in town.  this past wednesday i was supposed to have my training session with denise, but i didn't sleep at all tuesday night, so i told her i wasn't feeling up to it.  so she says, why don't you just come in, we'll go for a walk outside and just talk.  she was worried about me sitting around stewing in my emotions.....hmmmmm.....smart lady.  so her "walk" was 3.3 miles including walking lunges, sumo walking squats, and push-ups/abs on the benches.  yeah, i should've known better!!!  although it was definitely good that i went, kept me out of the pantry for a couple of hours, and exercise does make you feel better.  needless to say thanks to the lunges/squats i could barely walk on thursday, literally.  i was probably the sorest i've been since starting this whole process.  it was crazy.  friday i made myself go back to the gym, rode the bike and did some weights.  and as scared as i was, i weighed myself....suprisingly i actually lost, .4 of a lb, but hey i didn't gain.  i couldn't believe it.  (regardless i still need to get that emotional eating under control)  today was a beautiful day and i took the opportunity to run outside, did a little over 3 miles, some of it even uphill, and felt pretty good while i was running.  its actually starting to get easier which is awesome. there is nothing more difficult then getting back into running.  so i was happy with  myself in that regard today.  


well sorry, this was a long one today.  probably be another few days since i'll be away.  going to say goodbye to a woman i love dearly :(  

mini-tri

finally get a chance to write something!  lots going on, and i just get so tired at night that i can't even think straight!  so yesterday was a big day....had a mini-triathalon at the Y, which was 10 laps, 6 mile bike and 2 mile run.  they timed each part and added your time together.  you could do any style of swim you wanted, so in order to get a better time i alternated between front crawl and backstroke.  did that in 8:58.  which is ok, i probably could've done it faster, i was concerned about saving energy for the bike and run.  not that i went slow, but its possible i could've done it in a little better time.  i can't remember my exact bike time, i know i did it in around 25 mins, and my run was 25:46.  so overall pretty good, in total i did it in under an hour.  the results of the competition were supposed to be posted today, there are some kind of prizes for the top 3 females and top 3 males.  i went this afternoon to work out and kept poking my nose into denise's office while she was working on the times (probably driving her crazy) but they weren't done yet.  so i hope they are posted tomorrow, i am dying to know how i did.  i did well on the run part, ran the whole time, and kept upping my speed.  and of course denise came over at the end and put it up even more!  i felt like that was cheating a bit on her part but whatever, hopefully it helped!  had fun doing it, was very sore last night!  so glad i have four more months before the real deal....i'm going to need it.  august is going to be tough!  the weather needs to get nice so i can get outside to bike and run.  gotta get used to that, and sooner than later would be better.  


anyways, today was an easy day, just something to keep my muscles from getting stiff since i was still sore from yesterday.  tomorrow swim day and wednesday denise!!  


couple of emotional moments.  one was at abby's t-ball game on saturday, my MIL took a picture of me, abby and mike.  when i looked at the picture i was so disappointed to see how big i still looked.  i mean, i dont know why i was expecting something else, i know how much i still weigh, and being 5'1'' of course i am going to look like that.  its weird because i feel a lot different, going down a size in clothing, feeling smaller, but i am certainly not going to look skinny yet.  guess that just sucks.  but its fine, i have to stay realistic and just take the results as they come.....despite how sloooowwwww they are.  ok, well friggin tired as usual so time to go.  night.  

laaazzzyyyyy!

ugh so i sat around and did jack shit while abby was at school today!  not even a lick of housework.  oh wait, i put chicken in the crockpot.  there, i did something!  but i will get my butt to the gym later this evening. i really hate working out at night, but i have left myself no choice today.  sooo need someone to light a fire under my ass this week!!  


on a brighter note i lost another 1.8 lbs, so 15 lbs in total!  

need sleepy

i am so incredibly exhausted but i am just going to write a few quick things.  definitely having a tough time with my motivation this week!!  i don't know what it is!  i mean, i haven't been sleeping that great for some reason, so its making me tired during the day.  i just did not want to work out today at all.  idk, maybe its just normal.  i guess i am not going to be all pumped to work out every day.  it's definitely hard to keep up the pace sometimes.  5-6 days per week at the gym isn't easy to do week after week.  and i actually feel like i need to step up my workouts a bit.  not more often, but more intensity when i am working out.  but i'm soooooo friggin tired!  probably just a small rut.  i swam and biked today.  my swimming felt sloppy, but i managed to get 26 laps in.  bike was a little slow at first but i got a second wind about 15 minutes in and finished strong.  who knows, maybe i just need a good night of sleep.  that would probably help!  so i'm going to bed now, and hopefully i will get some much needed sleep so i get a good run in tomorrow!

another monday, another ass-kicking!

denise kicked my ass today.  end of story.  and i almost cancelled on her like 20 times!  i was still a little sore and feeling like wussing out haha, and i knew denise would not give a crap if i was tired and sore.  and what a surprise, she didn't give a crap!!  as she shouldn't :)  bike, run, and another crazy strength training circuit.  i literally rolled off of the ball onto the floor, and finally she ended the torture.  we had a good laugh though because she was having me do these leg lifts on the ball and i couldn't lift my leg and kept falling and then i would start laughing and she would start laughing.  anything to buy me a few seconds of rest :)  so provided i can move tomorrow i will swim and bike.  


and can we pleeeaaassseee get some nice friggin weather so i can start biking outside??  i'm so tired of the cold :(  

frozen butt

i forgot to say my funny story in my post yesterday.  after the race i kept telling mike how frozen my butt felt, and he thought i was crazy.  so on the car ride home, i turned on the seat heater, thinking it would help.  my ass was so cold i couldn't even feel the heat!  i actually thought it wasn't working.  it was about a 40 minute drive home and i never really felt the heat coming from the seat.  so later on when we went out again, the heater switch was still on, and the heat was so hot i had to turn it down.  i was like, holy shit, how frozen was my ass earlier, the seat got so hot right now i had to turn it down, but earlier i couldn't even feel it!  anyway i thought that was funny.  


pretty tired and sore today, so just resting up.  have my training tomorrow.  

who walks during a 5k???

big day today that definitely boosted my spirits!  had the 5k this morning and ran the whole race!  it was fucking cold too, but the sun was shining and it really was a beautiful course.  it started at bar A, went through the neighborhood, went around a lake and down by the shore, then back thru the neighborhood to end at bar A.  I didn't even know there was a lake in belmar haha.  definitely want to go back down there when the weather gets nicer.    the lake was pretty big, and i remember being on the one side, looking to the other side and thinking there was no way i was going to make it continuously running.  but my competitive nature took over and decided there was no way in hell i was stopping.  plus it helps when there are other people around you, you tell yourself ok, i should be going faster than that person, they're fat/old so you need to pass them, etc.  however, towards the end, there was a girl that was walking close to me, and i was jogging and could not pass her!!  finally i pulled away but it took a little while.  the whole time i was thinking, helloooo, this girl next to you is WALKING.  you need to go a little faster!  granted she was speed walking, but jeesh i need to be running faster than a walking pace!  the end was tough though.  my legs were starting to get heavy, my chest was feeling tight, and i literally started talking to myself out loud.....c'mon, you can do this, finish it, only a couple more blocks.  some guy passed me, laughed and gave me the thumbs up haha.  then i saw mike walking back towards me and he ran with me the rest of the way encouraging me to keep going!  that was awesome.  so my final time was 41:23.  not great, and you do lose a little time at the start before the crowd disperses, but its ok, i ran the whole thing which was what i really wanted.  of course i had to complain a little to mike later on in the day i was disappointed in my time.  he just tells me i should shut up and be happy with myself for once :)  


so overall great first event in this training process.  next sunday i have my first tri taste.  the Y is doing a mini-tri.  10 laps, 6 miles on the bike and 2 miles running on the treadmill.  should be fun, and it'll keep me motivated to have a good week.  


oh, and regarding my comment about passing "old" people, there was a 61 year old man who finished in 24 minutes, and a 66 year old woman who finished in 33 minutes.  that is awesome!!  

hangin' in

well almost the end of another week.  this was kind of a slow one for me.  i know i have been focusing a bit on some emotional stuff and not talking about my work-outs that much.  last week after i did my 5k outside, my inner-thigh started hurting, and then of course my little drunken tom cruise slide into my family room did not help it much!  so by monday it was feeling a little better, and i decided to give running a try on the treadmill.  did 2 great miles, straight running, and then pain.  tried to run thru it but it wasn't happening.  i walked for a little more, then stretched really well afterwards.  tuesday would've been a swim/bike day but i was afraid to bike, so i just swam.  did really well, 28 laps, and getting a little faster with my strokes.  wednesday i had denise, and when she heard about my leg she would not let me run, so we did the bike and a CRAZY circuit!  denise is nuts i swear, but i love her :)  today my leg was a bit sore so i just did the elliptical for 35 minutes.  reason i'm being so easy this week is because i have that 5k this weekend, and i'm afraid of hurting myself further.  tomorrow i will take the day off to rest up for saturday.  anxious to see how i do, its going to be cold, and i haven't run the full distance.  but its really more about the charity, not going to be disappointed at all no matter what i do, and my main focus will be if my leg starts hurting to suck it up and just walk!  so thats really it, boring! 


as far as all the other stuff, i'm hanging in there.  i lost the two lbs from the weekend plus another, so i am at a total of 14 now, which is awesome.  right now, i definitely have a lot going on emotionally....baby stuff, grandma stuff, and not allowing myself to become overwhelmed with this whole endeavor.  but as long as i am not eating to cope, and i keep up my workouts, it'll all come together someday.  and who knows, maybe one day i'll actually call up a friend, or tell mike i need to talk about something, instead of keeping it in or writing about it in a blog.  he'll probably pass out.  


well wish me luck for saturday....and mostly that my stupid leg doesn't get worse!

kara & fran to the rescue :)

i woke up this morning wanting to delete the post i made last night, but figured that i should keep it up because that is how i was feeling and it doesn't go away just because i deleted the post.  and why shouldn't my friends know the real me, the complete emotional disaster that is me???  i revel in feeling sorry for myself, not a good trait, but one that is a part of me nonetheless.  so it is good that i have people i know who post videos of a man doing an Ironman event with his handicapped son to put things back into perspective for me.  i wish i could post the video to my page but the video didn't have a link, like to youtube so i couldn't figure out how to do it.  it was amazing and inspiring.  what a great father.  so thank you kara for that and knocking me out of my funk!


also big props to another fab friend who is always worrying about me and calling me up to see if i'm all right and who is always there to pass along good advice and be my makeshift mom haha :)  what was it that she said?  i need to stop being so hard on myself, focus on what i have done so far and not what i haven't done (like be happy about the weight i've lost and not what i haven't lost), organize and get my house ready for selling when i'm feeling like eating (love my anal type A friends), oh yeah, and have another baby if thats what i want and don't not do it because i'm afraid.  that last one is going to be tough....i'll start with the first couple of things and go from there!!  


so a better day today.....and i re-lost one of those lbs. 

grrrrrrrr

ugh ugh ugh.  that is my mood today.  feeling crappy, sorry for myself and all around pathetic.  so where do i start.  well, gained 2 lbs back this weekend.  i seriously can make no mistakes.  can't enjoy myself at all.  its really fucking annoying.  friday night, had some friends over, didn't overdo it, worked out saturday morning for about an hour and 15 mins, saturday again, hung out with friends, was good with the eating, but drank some beer at night.  sunday had my MIL's bday dinner.  had shrimp cocktail for app, no bread, whole wheat fusilli with veg's, no dessert except fruit.  no alcohol.  and despite making mostly good choices given the situations, i still gained back 2 lbs.  even a little bit of straying has too big of an effect.  so now this week i will be trying to lose the same 2 lbs i already lost, which really sucks.  


now all the emotional bullshit starts to set in.  the frustration.  the anger.  it doesn't take much.  i mean, yesterday was a good day in that i saw a lot of family, people were telling me they could see i've lost weight, so that made me feel good.  then i weigh myself this morning and its all forgotten.  thing is i weigh so much that i can't afford to go backwards.  its hard enough to accept how much weight i need to lose, know how long its going to take, and stay emotionally stable enough to stick with it.  and then it just makes me hate myself for even getting myself to this point in the first place.  but how can i complain, i did it to myself.  yes, i was depressed, but i didn't have to eat myself to the size of two people.  fuckin fuck.  


see the thing is i am not good at talking about my feelings.  when something is bothering me i keep it in, because honestly i just don't like to talk about stuff.  mike has been trying to change me for 15 years with no luck.  so its probably safe to say i will always be this way.  i have not always been overweight my whole life, but for some reason as an adult eating has become my coping mechanism.  i am actually struggling right now because i have been really sad about the baby situation.  just thinking about what the baby would be doing right now, how happy abby would be to have a little brother or sister, and being able to be around my sister-in-law and my best friend without having that twinge of jealousy/sadness.  sometimes its hard for me to even play with the babies because i'm afraid i might cry.  sometimes i'm ok.  it fluctuates.  my niece just had her 1st birthday, and my friend's baby will be 1 in may, same as my baby would have.  so its these little milestones that start to set me back.  but what can i do.  it is what it is.  


wow major bummer post today.  sorry folks.  hoping i can wake up tomorrow in a much better mood and feel more motivated than i do right now.  

5K test

beautiful day today!  i took advantage of the weather and did an outdoor run.  saturday the 26th i'm doing my first 5K in years, and i wanted to see how i would do.  i did so much better than i thought i would do, i actually amazed myself haha.  like i said before, running outside on the road is more difficult than running on the treadmill,  and the most i've really run on the treadmill consecutively is about 2 miles.  today i ran 2.25 miles straight without stopping!  the last .85 miles i alternated between walking and running, but i ran more than i walked.  so hopefully i shouldn't do too bad at the race.  i mean, i did the full 3.1 in 40 mins, so the time isn't great....the last 5K i did in 30 mins and 33 sec....but if i run more than i walk i should definitely finish in less than 40, and i'll take it!  the next 5K i'm doing is at the end of may, so i should improve by then.  


i tell ya though, the process of this whole thing really is exasperating.  still trying to push away the negative thoughts that always bring me to self-sabotage, but damn is it frustrating.  definitely too much a part of the instant-gratification-generation.  i am really thankful for my friends who give me so much support and offer great advice.  one particular friend recently said how the journey (towards my goal of the tri) is just as important as the goal, if not more.  so true.  these next few months are so important, because i am doing what i need to do to make myself healthy, feel good about myself, and incorporate lifestyle changes that i plan on keeping forever.  things that i know realistically can not be accomplished in a week or two.  sooooo i trudge on.  luckily i really am enjoying it.  the variety is fun.  


guess thats it for now.  i'm sure you will all be on pins and needles waiting for the next entry :)

progress is good

so this was a big weekend for me!  first of all i wake up sunday morning to find out i have finally reached the 10lb weight loss mark.  and since i didn't do much on saturday, i decided to get a swim in sunday.  i was itching for a good swim since my last two outings were not very good.  and i did great, swam 30 laps!  with less rest time in between each lap also. the max i rested was probably 30 seconds, most being between 10 and 20 secs, and when i could i did two consecutively.  still working on that, its tough.  but 30 laps is more than the length of what i have to swim in the tri.  so i was quite happy with that :)  


now if you want to hear a funny yet totally disgusting story, continue reading this paragraph.  if not, you should skip.  so although i am improving with my swimming, i am still getting the breathing coordination thing down, and every once in a while i swallow some water.  which in and of itself totally disgusts me given my hatred for public pools.  so yesterday i swallow a huge gulp of water at the end of a lap, start to gag, and then throw up in my mouth.  now, i can't spit it back into the pool, and i'm in the middle of the lanes, where there is no ladder, so to swim to a ladder and then run to a bathroom would've taken way too long with puke in my mouth.  sooo i had to swallow it.  absolutely disgusting.  other than that little snafu the swimming was good :)  aren't you glad you continued reading???  


ANYWAYS, for dinner sunday night mike made his famous zuppe di pesce, which is amazing.  and he gets this fabulous italian bread from wegman's.  plus my father in law brings over two pies, donuts and black and white cookies.  (for 6 friggin adults btw.  excessive???  and you wonder why we all have weight problems!)  my point is that i only had one piece of that wonderful bread, and NONE of the desserts.  damn proud of myself i was.  i probably could've had a small piece of dessert, but now that i'm seeing denise on mondays, and she weighs me, i wanted to still be at that 10lb mark.  and i wanted to prove to myself that i can say no.  i def think that seeing her on mondays is going to be really good for me.  it will keep me more accountable on the weekends.  in the past i have had a bad habit of doing good during the week and then ruining it all on the weekends.  AND what reward did i get for my awesome behavior on sunday night???  loss of another 1.5 lbs!!   woo-hoo!  so i'm down almost 12.  


now, yesterday, when i weighed myself, and saw i had lost the 10, initially i was excited of course.  but in my usual self-sabotaging way, i start to have fleeting thoughts like, oh big deal, you have so much more to lose, you're still really fat, blah blah blah.  however, i am managing these thoughts much better than usual.  its crazy how something positive can be turned into something negative in the blink of an eye with me.  i am definitely awful to myself.  but like i said i think i am handling these thoughts ok, and trying to remind myself that yes, i still have a long road ahead, but as long as i don't sabotage myself, i will continue to make progress and eventually i will be where i want to be.  so mentally this is what i'm working on...with each step forward, not to take 3 steps back.  


also, thanks to people who make comments on my posts.  since i only have like 5 followers haha, i always comment back when someone leaves one.  so if you have made one, check back because i probably left one back for you.  thanks again to my friends and family for all your support!

Yay 10 lbs gone! FOREVER!!!!

new plan

i knew this was going to be tough, and maybe it sounds dramatic, i know people go thru much more difficult physical struggles (lauren), but days like these i just feel like quitting.  and its my own fault, i haven't taken a proper day off since last thursday.  so right now i'm feeling tired, crappy, defeated, scared about this damn event, and just wanting to up and quit.  seriously, i feel like crying.  again, not trying to sound dramatic at all.  i just think putting your body thru so much physically takes a toll on your emotions as well.  


feeling like i needed to restructure a bit, i went online and found a triathalon training program that i think will help me out.  it lays out a specific training schedule, with rest days built in.  i initially was going to do this, but i wanted some flexibility because i felt it would fit better with my lifestyle.  and although i am working out a lot, and doing all three things (swim, run, bike)on a regular basis, i am not sure if its the proper way to train after all.  i like the way the program is set up, and i think it would actually work out and fall in line with my regular daily schedule.  so starting monday i am going to start this new program and see how it goes.  and hopefully it will help to keep me from overdoing it to the point where i am feeling like this.  because obviously i can't quit, that is not an option.  so, tomorrow will be a definite day off, and sunday if the weather is looking nice maybe a lite bike ride.  and most importantly i have to stay positive and keep telling myself that this is not too much for me to handle, i'm one tough bitch ;)

nike's suck!--haha kara that's for you--just kiddin' :)

so who needs a day off??  i felt good this morning, and really needed to get a run in, and since yesterday pretty much was a throwaway day, i decided to go get my workout on this AM.  did some interval running for 35 minutes and then and hour total body class.  i feel like i'm struggling a bit with the running.  not terribly, but i just wish it was easier to get back into!  it sucks when you used to be so good at something, and now i really have to push myself to do even a mile without stopping.  the interval running (where you run for several minutes in a row, then walk 1 or 2 mins, then repeat) is really good to build endurance, so i try to do those a couple of times a week.  and i can run more total minutes if i do it this way instead of trying to run all i can at once.  its all a slow process i guess.  


my shout out for the day goes to kara--who i found out is also a loyal follower :)  thanks girl!  and yes kara, def to each his own with the running shoes.  mike loves his nike's as well, and hates asics.  i think my present asics still have some life left in them so i'm going to hold off on the purchase of another pair for now.  


well i'm going to attempt another swim tomorrow AM and hopefully with better results!  and trying to decide when i'm going to take an actual day off.....!!

good friends :)

so first order of business...thanks to my friends fran, lauren and jenn who are still following my blog. yay :)  i know this because they have told me and/or are making comments.  much appreciated!  i don't even think mike has read my last few entries.  i just asked him and he lied and said yes.  jerk haha.  he "read it the other day".  uh-huh.  sure!   and denise, i think you are reading also, so thanks to you too :)


so brought back the evil nike's today, didn't get anything new.  prob going back to the trusty old asics which haven't failed me yet.  


today was day 6 in a row. was feeling good this morning, so decided it would just be a swim day.  i didn't know i was tired until i got into the pool!  after like 3 laps i knew it wasn't going to be a good performance.  so i only did 10, but thats ok.  at least i got thru some.  i should've known i was pushing it.  now i don't know whether or not i should take tomorrow off, but i didn't do much today so today was kind of a day off.  guess i'll see how i feel in the AM.  OH!!  good news, i went down a size in jeans!!  so happy to get rid of those....i was donating a bunch of stuff today and threw them in with the pile!!  hellsss yeah.  can't wait to be rid of all my fat clothes.  see, i miss the days when i could just get dressed every day, like probably most of you.  it takes me forever to get dressed some days.  i have to worry about the way everything looks, is my stomach sticking out too much, how big does my ass look, gotta hide my arms, blah blah blah.  so it'll be nice to just be able to get dressed like a normal person, and know i look smokin' in whateva i'm wearin' ;)   hahahaha i crack myself up.