random shit

don't you hate it when you're sitting on your couch at night and you're absolutely starving??? i swear i get so hungry late at night.  i could eat an entire pizza i think.  and then maybe a nice big bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream.  the real kind, no light or low fat shit.  ohhh yeaahhh baby.  all right enough of that.  can i complain for just a second??  like i would go a post without complaining.  my legs are killing me.  they just hurt hurt hurt.  my ass hurts too.  my knees hurt.  i feel like a 90 year old woman.  


on a positive note, i wore some khaki capri's today that were way too big on me, so when i came home i tried on some other pants i had from less fatter days.  ehh, whatever, i'll just say the sizes.  the pants i had on today were size 16, and they were clearly too big.  i could pull them away from my body like they do on the commercials, and could pull them off without unbuttoning them.  so i found 3 other pairs of pants in my closet.  one size 12, and two size 14's.  so i tried on the 12's first, thinking there was no way in hell.  got a wonderful shock when they fit!!  and then....i tried on the 14's, which i could barely fit over my ass!!  WTF is that all about??  extremely strange if you ask me.  i mean, in this case, i got the better end of the deal, fine, fuck you 14's, i'll wear the 12's!!!  but isn't that bizarre?  all 3 from old navy too.  whatevs.  


so today was my "easy day".  50 min interval program on the elliptical.  i have denise tomorrow morning, and she was away last week, so i'm sure she will have a lot of pent up torture in store for me.  oh joy.  

My inspiration with a great post....

We have a bad day--or a bad couple of days...

And it pulls us down. Hard.

There have been many times in the past two years of this voyage when I’ve had some very depressed episodes over a few days of eating poorly. Some negative attitudes will occasionally perpetuate themselves—ultra guilt-trips after a couple missed training runs.

A weigh-in or two that doesn’t go the right way. A pound or two gain. Or even the “just a pound” loss.

We beat ourselves up even worse than we did when this was our life.

But it still is our life. And we have to remember that these two or three day binges used to be the norm. Grab our belt and see how many notches we’ve carved out. Step on that scale again and realize how many pounds you’ve shed. Try on that XXXL shirt that used to be a little tight. Now it could be your blanket.

We can’t let the failures of success keep us from trying to be successful. We’ve come too far to let it stop us now.

Just put down the burger finish the burger—you deserve it—and then go for that scheduled four-miler today.

that was a post from the blog that i follow, www.bendoeslife.tumblr.com.  he is basically the guy that got my ball rollin'.  you should seriously check out his story, his blog is waayyy more interesting than mine!!  anyways, i just love this because its just so true, and attitude really is the biggest battle of the whole process.  as you can tell, my mental state is pretty unstable haha, and i'm always getting caught up with the emotional downfalls, and sink into self-pity.  no good ever comes from that.  so i just wanted to share that little piece as it speaks volumes to me!

today i did well at the gym, biked 12.4 miles in 50 minutes....last time i did 11 miles in 50, so i was happy with that!  swimming is just swimming i guess, i am doing better i think, but who knows, my form just always feels off, i have no idea if i'm swimming right!!  and the pool is just grossing me out.  they really need to clean the bottom.  i swear there is stuff growing down there.  whatever, when i go on vacation next week, i will be swimming in the ocean, and that will be a true test of the progress i've made.  i won't really know how far i've gone, but at least i will be able to see how long i can go without stopping.  in the race, i have 30 minutes to complete the swimming part.  if i compare that to the times for the bike and run, it seems like i should have a lot of time.  for instance, the bike limit is 2 hours, and so far i am doing more than half in less than an hour.  so it seems like i should have a lot of leftover time, right??  so maybe the swim will be like that too, and i will have plenty of time to complete it without getting disqualified.  yep, panicking again!  i told ya, when i really start to break it down i get nervous.  ok well enough analyzing, don't want to think about that anymore. 

well mike just told me i'm babbling so i guess i'll stop writing now.  dick.  

willpower, at least better than usual

so how is everyone feeling this gloomy day after easter?  me??  tired as shit haha.  had a really nice holiday, went down to my sis-in-laws for our annual brunch and then hanging out at their house afterwards.  i was proud of my eating at brunch....had an egg white omelette (btw just had to google how to spell that, it kept underlining it in red and i was like how the hell do you spell it!!!)  and fruit, then i had some salad, steamed beans and carrots, and a small piece of salmon.  no potatoes or belgian waffles which are like my favorite parts of brunch!  oh well, maybe next year when i'm skinny :)  i did have two mimosa's though, probably the worse thing i had....but you can't go to brunch and not have mimosa's, that would be tragic!  anyways, i was proud to have maintained some sort of self-control, because usually i use days like that as excuses to "be bad", but i am really trying to do the best i can even on special days.  because, really, you can make any day a special day....thats how you get yourself to this point in the first place!  oh, its the first thursday of the month, i must have five guys!  birthdays, holidays, weekends, even book club, it all centers around food!  

yesterday afternoon while everyone was just hanging out i went on a long run outside.  i really didn't want to take the day off considering saturday, my stupid stomach was acting up again, and i didn't get to do the swim/bike workout i had planned.  luckily i was totally fine yesterday so i think i'm am for real cured now!  anyways, the run wasn't easy, it was sooo hot yesterday and my legs felt like a ton of bricks.  i managed to do about 3 miles i think, but it was rough for sure!  no biggie, i know not every run is going to be great.  at least i did it.  then at night my mother-in-law made sauce, and my sis-in-law made this concoction she called dirt cake.  yes i had the cake, it was awesome, and one of those things that is worth being bad over!  as is the sauce :)  but i wasn't horrible, did not totally overdo it, and i will be back to the grind this week.  

feeling a little better emotionally as well, don't worry, i'm sure i'll have another breakdown soon haha.  had a couple of sad moments about my grandma.  friday morning when abby was working on easter crafts to give to people, i asked her who she wanted to give the first one to, and completely on her own, she said "i want to give it to Babci, it would make her so happy."  (Babci is grandma in Polish btw).  so i had to excuse myself to cry of course, but i thought it was the sweetest thing.  i'm going to send it to my mom, which i'm sure will make her cry too, but i think she'll like it.  i felt sorry for my mom yesterday, first holiday without my grandma, plus it was her birthday as well.  double whammy.  she sounded so sad when we called.  anyways.....

well hope i survive this week with all this damn easter candy in my house now from a certain grandma of abby's!!  the fact that we leave saturday for vacation will help--yayyyyyy!!!!!!!!!  

adios tummy troubles :)

woke up today feeling better which is good, although i was two lbs up when i weighed myself.  no biggie, i knew the "stomach bug" pounds would probably not stick!  it is still weird though, i really didn't eat much yesterday either, so i'm not sure how i put 2lbs on yesterday, considering i still wasn't feeling that great.  but whatever, seriously its a mystery the way the weight loss thing works.  its just bizarre sometimes.  anyways, luckily i was able to get out for a run this morning...did about 3.5 miles which i was happy with considering i did no exercise wed & thurs.  again, my knees bother me a bit towards the end of my run, but i'm hoping that as i continue to lose weight that will be less and less of an issue.  definitely felt good to be out, i really enjoy running outside so much more than inside on the treadmill.  i think that will help with the monotony of the workouts as well....once this weather shapes up and i can start being outside more i think i will get back to being excited about this whole thing.  i'm trying to decide though where to ride my bike.  not going to lie, a bit nervous about the long rides on busier roads.  i've taken abby around on my mountain bike in the neighborhoods and stuff, but to go out on the 10 speed on regular roads makes me worried!  i'm so afraid to get hit haha.  i'm really trying to think of somewhere i can go where there is a lot of shoulder and the traffic is not so crazy.  oh well, i'll figure something out.  if you think running multiple miles on the treadmill is boring, try biking 10+ miles on a stationary bike.  total crap haha.  


well hope everyone had a nice earth day.  and remember, earth day should be every day :)  

i'm back peeps

so its been a while since i've written....and i am disappointing some of my fans haha.  see, i really stop writing as a test...then i know who's actually reading this :)  in truth though its just been a difficult month.  my grandma passing has really hit me hard and i'm having a tough time with it.  honestly, these last couple weeks have really been a blur.  and this week i just hit some kind of wall with everything else.  have you ever felt like going postal, burning your house down, and then jumping off a cliff all at the same time????  well thats kind of how i felt this week.  its just one of those moments in life when everything hits you at the same time.  those who know me the best know i have lots of issues with death, not that anyone doesn't, but it gives me anxiety attacks.  unfortunately i have had to dig in to my xanax a few times to get through these last two weeks.  the tri-training is definitely starting to wear on me, i hit a high note with the y-tri, and i don't know if its because of the emotional blow with losing my grandma, but every workout the last couple of weeks is such an effort.  i'm sick of it in a way, don't want to go to the gym.  i miss regular working out, mixing up the workouts, a kickboxing class here and there.  i think part of it is that the workouts are tough on me due to my weight.  my cardiovascular fitness is much improved,  but the longer i run, the more my knees hurt when i'm done.  i just have to work out so hard every time, no easy days, and its wearing on me.  not trying to be complainy, just being honest.  and then there's all this other shit going on which i'm not even going to get into, but like i said its like everything happens at once!  i just need to get my head screwed back on right again.  going on vaca in 10 days so maybe that'll help!  i full well plan to keep up with my workouts, and not go crazy with the eating.  but vaca is always good for the head.  


so i've been doing my best keeping up with the workouts, even though for whatever reason i'm enjoying them less right now.  i'm sure that will change, and that even the best athletes in the world get sick of their training routines.   its all mental.  also, i did weigh myself this AM, after having a rough afternoon/evening with some major stomach issues, i have lost 21 lbs haha.  i hope those last couple stick since they came off not by choice!  i'm hoping to get to the gym today at some point, depending on how i'm feeling.  we shall see.  thanks to those still reading and sticking with me :)  

coping

well its been an incredibly difficult week :(  my grandma passed away on tuesday morning.  i'm so sad and will miss her more than i can say.  she had such a hard life and the end was not kind to her either.  i am glad her suffering is over though, and i hope that she is somewhere now where she can finally be happy and have some peace.  


my workouts this week were definitely affected, as i didn't sleep much since i was up crying a lot at night, and naturally my eating wasn't great.  a little disappointed in myself that i can get sucked right back into that emotional eating.  i think after my mom called i went in the cabinet and ate like 15 oreos.  that was probably the worst thing i did, but it was so weird.  i have been doing really well controlling my hunger, and only eating when i truly feel hungry, meaning i have made major cutbacks on the relentless snacking.  but the couple of days after she passed i was putting something in my mouth every hour it seemed.  and felt like i didn't have control over it, like i just had to eat something to make myself feel better.  i'm sure if i really tried i could control it, but it just doesn't seem like it at the time.  its crazy.  so even though i have made lots of good changes for my lifestyle, as long as nothing emotionally difficult happens, i'll be ok....???  and as soon as i actually have to cope with something, it all goes to shit.  how the hell do i control that??  it scares me to think that god forbid something bad happens, like this week, and all the hard work i'm doing is going to go down the toilet.  i need to fix that because that is how i got here in the first place, and like i said, i apparently have not learned any better coping skills.  i guess because i am working more on the physical stuff, like losing weight, changing my body, etc.  idk.  damn it.  i wish my old therapist still took my insurance.  she was so good, but stopped accepting my insurance, and who can afford to pay a therapist out of pocket once a week.  oh well.  and i haven't even been to the services yet, they are monday and tuesday.  so i haven't even been through the worst of the sadness part.  i guess i will really have to find some strength somewhere.  not only just to get through the services, but to cope in a way that does not have me eating everything in sight.  the worst is the sneaking.  i can sit there and have a piece of chicken and some salad in front of everyone, but then i'll sneak off and look for some other bad shit to eat.  ridiculous.  i hope i can just remind myself that no matter how sad i am, no amount of food is going to bring my babci back, or make me feel better about the fact she's gone.  UUGGGHHHHHH.  why can't life just be sunshine and rainbows, and people you love live forever????  


anyways, so i don't think i ever wrote about the results of my mini-tri.  i came in third place which was exciting for me.  i actually win some kind of prize.  they weren't going to have the prizes ready until this monday, so i'll get it when i get back in town.  this past wednesday i was supposed to have my training session with denise, but i didn't sleep at all tuesday night, so i told her i wasn't feeling up to it.  so she says, why don't you just come in, we'll go for a walk outside and just talk.  she was worried about me sitting around stewing in my emotions.....hmmmmm.....smart lady.  so her "walk" was 3.3 miles including walking lunges, sumo walking squats, and push-ups/abs on the benches.  yeah, i should've known better!!!  although it was definitely good that i went, kept me out of the pantry for a couple of hours, and exercise does make you feel better.  needless to say thanks to the lunges/squats i could barely walk on thursday, literally.  i was probably the sorest i've been since starting this whole process.  it was crazy.  friday i made myself go back to the gym, rode the bike and did some weights.  and as scared as i was, i weighed myself....suprisingly i actually lost, .4 of a lb, but hey i didn't gain.  i couldn't believe it.  (regardless i still need to get that emotional eating under control)  today was a beautiful day and i took the opportunity to run outside, did a little over 3 miles, some of it even uphill, and felt pretty good while i was running.  its actually starting to get easier which is awesome. there is nothing more difficult then getting back into running.  so i was happy with  myself in that regard today.  


well sorry, this was a long one today.  probably be another few days since i'll be away.  going to say goodbye to a woman i love dearly :(  

mini-tri

finally get a chance to write something!  lots going on, and i just get so tired at night that i can't even think straight!  so yesterday was a big day....had a mini-triathalon at the Y, which was 10 laps, 6 mile bike and 2 mile run.  they timed each part and added your time together.  you could do any style of swim you wanted, so in order to get a better time i alternated between front crawl and backstroke.  did that in 8:58.  which is ok, i probably could've done it faster, i was concerned about saving energy for the bike and run.  not that i went slow, but its possible i could've done it in a little better time.  i can't remember my exact bike time, i know i did it in around 25 mins, and my run was 25:46.  so overall pretty good, in total i did it in under an hour.  the results of the competition were supposed to be posted today, there are some kind of prizes for the top 3 females and top 3 males.  i went this afternoon to work out and kept poking my nose into denise's office while she was working on the times (probably driving her crazy) but they weren't done yet.  so i hope they are posted tomorrow, i am dying to know how i did.  i did well on the run part, ran the whole time, and kept upping my speed.  and of course denise came over at the end and put it up even more!  i felt like that was cheating a bit on her part but whatever, hopefully it helped!  had fun doing it, was very sore last night!  so glad i have four more months before the real deal....i'm going to need it.  august is going to be tough!  the weather needs to get nice so i can get outside to bike and run.  gotta get used to that, and sooner than later would be better.  


anyways, today was an easy day, just something to keep my muscles from getting stiff since i was still sore from yesterday.  tomorrow swim day and wednesday denise!!  


couple of emotional moments.  one was at abby's t-ball game on saturday, my MIL took a picture of me, abby and mike.  when i looked at the picture i was so disappointed to see how big i still looked.  i mean, i dont know why i was expecting something else, i know how much i still weigh, and being 5'1'' of course i am going to look like that.  its weird because i feel a lot different, going down a size in clothing, feeling smaller, but i am certainly not going to look skinny yet.  guess that just sucks.  but its fine, i have to stay realistic and just take the results as they come.....despite how sloooowwwww they are.  ok, well friggin tired as usual so time to go.  night.