coping

well its been an incredibly difficult week :(  my grandma passed away on tuesday morning.  i'm so sad and will miss her more than i can say.  she had such a hard life and the end was not kind to her either.  i am glad her suffering is over though, and i hope that she is somewhere now where she can finally be happy and have some peace.  


my workouts this week were definitely affected, as i didn't sleep much since i was up crying a lot at night, and naturally my eating wasn't great.  a little disappointed in myself that i can get sucked right back into that emotional eating.  i think after my mom called i went in the cabinet and ate like 15 oreos.  that was probably the worst thing i did, but it was so weird.  i have been doing really well controlling my hunger, and only eating when i truly feel hungry, meaning i have made major cutbacks on the relentless snacking.  but the couple of days after she passed i was putting something in my mouth every hour it seemed.  and felt like i didn't have control over it, like i just had to eat something to make myself feel better.  i'm sure if i really tried i could control it, but it just doesn't seem like it at the time.  its crazy.  so even though i have made lots of good changes for my lifestyle, as long as nothing emotionally difficult happens, i'll be ok....???  and as soon as i actually have to cope with something, it all goes to shit.  how the hell do i control that??  it scares me to think that god forbid something bad happens, like this week, and all the hard work i'm doing is going to go down the toilet.  i need to fix that because that is how i got here in the first place, and like i said, i apparently have not learned any better coping skills.  i guess because i am working more on the physical stuff, like losing weight, changing my body, etc.  idk.  damn it.  i wish my old therapist still took my insurance.  she was so good, but stopped accepting my insurance, and who can afford to pay a therapist out of pocket once a week.  oh well.  and i haven't even been to the services yet, they are monday and tuesday.  so i haven't even been through the worst of the sadness part.  i guess i will really have to find some strength somewhere.  not only just to get through the services, but to cope in a way that does not have me eating everything in sight.  the worst is the sneaking.  i can sit there and have a piece of chicken and some salad in front of everyone, but then i'll sneak off and look for some other bad shit to eat.  ridiculous.  i hope i can just remind myself that no matter how sad i am, no amount of food is going to bring my babci back, or make me feel better about the fact she's gone.  UUGGGHHHHHH.  why can't life just be sunshine and rainbows, and people you love live forever????  


anyways, so i don't think i ever wrote about the results of my mini-tri.  i came in third place which was exciting for me.  i actually win some kind of prize.  they weren't going to have the prizes ready until this monday, so i'll get it when i get back in town.  this past wednesday i was supposed to have my training session with denise, but i didn't sleep at all tuesday night, so i told her i wasn't feeling up to it.  so she says, why don't you just come in, we'll go for a walk outside and just talk.  she was worried about me sitting around stewing in my emotions.....hmmmmm.....smart lady.  so her "walk" was 3.3 miles including walking lunges, sumo walking squats, and push-ups/abs on the benches.  yeah, i should've known better!!!  although it was definitely good that i went, kept me out of the pantry for a couple of hours, and exercise does make you feel better.  needless to say thanks to the lunges/squats i could barely walk on thursday, literally.  i was probably the sorest i've been since starting this whole process.  it was crazy.  friday i made myself go back to the gym, rode the bike and did some weights.  and as scared as i was, i weighed myself....suprisingly i actually lost, .4 of a lb, but hey i didn't gain.  i couldn't believe it.  (regardless i still need to get that emotional eating under control)  today was a beautiful day and i took the opportunity to run outside, did a little over 3 miles, some of it even uphill, and felt pretty good while i was running.  its actually starting to get easier which is awesome. there is nothing more difficult then getting back into running.  so i was happy with  myself in that regard today.  


well sorry, this was a long one today.  probably be another few days since i'll be away.  going to say goodbye to a woman i love dearly :(