grrrrrrrr

ugh ugh ugh.  that is my mood today.  feeling crappy, sorry for myself and all around pathetic.  so where do i start.  well, gained 2 lbs back this weekend.  i seriously can make no mistakes.  can't enjoy myself at all.  its really fucking annoying.  friday night, had some friends over, didn't overdo it, worked out saturday morning for about an hour and 15 mins, saturday again, hung out with friends, was good with the eating, but drank some beer at night.  sunday had my MIL's bday dinner.  had shrimp cocktail for app, no bread, whole wheat fusilli with veg's, no dessert except fruit.  no alcohol.  and despite making mostly good choices given the situations, i still gained back 2 lbs.  even a little bit of straying has too big of an effect.  so now this week i will be trying to lose the same 2 lbs i already lost, which really sucks.  


now all the emotional bullshit starts to set in.  the frustration.  the anger.  it doesn't take much.  i mean, yesterday was a good day in that i saw a lot of family, people were telling me they could see i've lost weight, so that made me feel good.  then i weigh myself this morning and its all forgotten.  thing is i weigh so much that i can't afford to go backwards.  its hard enough to accept how much weight i need to lose, know how long its going to take, and stay emotionally stable enough to stick with it.  and then it just makes me hate myself for even getting myself to this point in the first place.  but how can i complain, i did it to myself.  yes, i was depressed, but i didn't have to eat myself to the size of two people.  fuckin fuck.  


see the thing is i am not good at talking about my feelings.  when something is bothering me i keep it in, because honestly i just don't like to talk about stuff.  mike has been trying to change me for 15 years with no luck.  so its probably safe to say i will always be this way.  i have not always been overweight my whole life, but for some reason as an adult eating has become my coping mechanism.  i am actually struggling right now because i have been really sad about the baby situation.  just thinking about what the baby would be doing right now, how happy abby would be to have a little brother or sister, and being able to be around my sister-in-law and my best friend without having that twinge of jealousy/sadness.  sometimes its hard for me to even play with the babies because i'm afraid i might cry.  sometimes i'm ok.  it fluctuates.  my niece just had her 1st birthday, and my friend's baby will be 1 in may, same as my baby would have.  so its these little milestones that start to set me back.  but what can i do.  it is what it is.  


wow major bummer post today.  sorry folks.  hoping i can wake up tomorrow in a much better mood and feel more motivated than i do right now.