i woke up this morning wanting to delete the post i made last night, but figured that i should keep it up because that is how i was feeling and it doesn't go away just because i deleted the post. and why shouldn't my friends know the real me, the complete emotional disaster that is me??? i revel in feeling sorry for myself, not a good trait, but one that is a part of me nonetheless. so it is good that i have people i know who post videos of a man doing an Ironman event with his handicapped son to put things back into perspective for me. i wish i could post the video to my page but the video didn't have a link, like to youtube so i couldn't figure out how to do it. it was amazing and inspiring. what a great father. so thank you kara for that and knocking me out of my funk!
also big props to another fab friend who is always worrying about me and calling me up to see if i'm all right and who is always there to pass along good advice and be my makeshift mom haha :) what was it that she said? i need to stop being so hard on myself, focus on what i have done so far and not what i haven't done (like be happy about the weight i've lost and not what i haven't lost), organize and get my house ready for selling when i'm feeling like eating (love my anal type A friends), oh yeah, and have another baby if thats what i want and don't not do it because i'm afraid. that last one is going to be tough....i'll start with the first couple of things and go from there!!
so a better day today.....and i re-lost one of those lbs.
The long term goal
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
grrrrrrrr
ugh ugh ugh. that is my mood today. feeling crappy, sorry for myself and all around pathetic. so where do i start. well, gained 2 lbs back this weekend. i seriously can make no mistakes. can't enjoy myself at all. its really fucking annoying. friday night, had some friends over, didn't overdo it, worked out saturday morning for about an hour and 15 mins, saturday again, hung out with friends, was good with the eating, but drank some beer at night. sunday had my MIL's bday dinner. had shrimp cocktail for app, no bread, whole wheat fusilli with veg's, no dessert except fruit. no alcohol. and despite making mostly good choices given the situations, i still gained back 2 lbs. even a little bit of straying has too big of an effect. so now this week i will be trying to lose the same 2 lbs i already lost, which really sucks.
now all the emotional bullshit starts to set in. the frustration. the anger. it doesn't take much. i mean, yesterday was a good day in that i saw a lot of family, people were telling me they could see i've lost weight, so that made me feel good. then i weigh myself this morning and its all forgotten. thing is i weigh so much that i can't afford to go backwards. its hard enough to accept how much weight i need to lose, know how long its going to take, and stay emotionally stable enough to stick with it. and then it just makes me hate myself for even getting myself to this point in the first place. but how can i complain, i did it to myself. yes, i was depressed, but i didn't have to eat myself to the size of two people. fuckin fuck.
see the thing is i am not good at talking about my feelings. when something is bothering me i keep it in, because honestly i just don't like to talk about stuff. mike has been trying to change me for 15 years with no luck. so its probably safe to say i will always be this way. i have not always been overweight my whole life, but for some reason as an adult eating has become my coping mechanism. i am actually struggling right now because i have been really sad about the baby situation. just thinking about what the baby would be doing right now, how happy abby would be to have a little brother or sister, and being able to be around my sister-in-law and my best friend without having that twinge of jealousy/sadness. sometimes its hard for me to even play with the babies because i'm afraid i might cry. sometimes i'm ok. it fluctuates. my niece just had her 1st birthday, and my friend's baby will be 1 in may, same as my baby would have. so its these little milestones that start to set me back. but what can i do. it is what it is.
wow major bummer post today. sorry folks. hoping i can wake up tomorrow in a much better mood and feel more motivated than i do right now.
now all the emotional bullshit starts to set in. the frustration. the anger. it doesn't take much. i mean, yesterday was a good day in that i saw a lot of family, people were telling me they could see i've lost weight, so that made me feel good. then i weigh myself this morning and its all forgotten. thing is i weigh so much that i can't afford to go backwards. its hard enough to accept how much weight i need to lose, know how long its going to take, and stay emotionally stable enough to stick with it. and then it just makes me hate myself for even getting myself to this point in the first place. but how can i complain, i did it to myself. yes, i was depressed, but i didn't have to eat myself to the size of two people. fuckin fuck.
see the thing is i am not good at talking about my feelings. when something is bothering me i keep it in, because honestly i just don't like to talk about stuff. mike has been trying to change me for 15 years with no luck. so its probably safe to say i will always be this way. i have not always been overweight my whole life, but for some reason as an adult eating has become my coping mechanism. i am actually struggling right now because i have been really sad about the baby situation. just thinking about what the baby would be doing right now, how happy abby would be to have a little brother or sister, and being able to be around my sister-in-law and my best friend without having that twinge of jealousy/sadness. sometimes its hard for me to even play with the babies because i'm afraid i might cry. sometimes i'm ok. it fluctuates. my niece just had her 1st birthday, and my friend's baby will be 1 in may, same as my baby would have. so its these little milestones that start to set me back. but what can i do. it is what it is.
wow major bummer post today. sorry folks. hoping i can wake up tomorrow in a much better mood and feel more motivated than i do right now.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
5K test
beautiful day today! i took advantage of the weather and did an outdoor run. saturday the 26th i'm doing my first 5K in years, and i wanted to see how i would do. i did so much better than i thought i would do, i actually amazed myself haha. like i said before, running outside on the road is more difficult than running on the treadmill, and the most i've really run on the treadmill consecutively is about 2 miles. today i ran 2.25 miles straight without stopping! the last .85 miles i alternated between walking and running, but i ran more than i walked. so hopefully i shouldn't do too bad at the race. i mean, i did the full 3.1 in 40 mins, so the time isn't great....the last 5K i did in 30 mins and 33 sec....but if i run more than i walk i should definitely finish in less than 40, and i'll take it! the next 5K i'm doing is at the end of may, so i should improve by then.
i tell ya though, the process of this whole thing really is exasperating. still trying to push away the negative thoughts that always bring me to self-sabotage, but damn is it frustrating. definitely too much a part of the instant-gratification-generation. i am really thankful for my friends who give me so much support and offer great advice. one particular friend recently said how the journey (towards my goal of the tri) is just as important as the goal, if not more. so true. these next few months are so important, because i am doing what i need to do to make myself healthy, feel good about myself, and incorporate lifestyle changes that i plan on keeping forever. things that i know realistically can not be accomplished in a week or two. sooooo i trudge on. luckily i really am enjoying it. the variety is fun.
guess thats it for now. i'm sure you will all be on pins and needles waiting for the next entry :)
i tell ya though, the process of this whole thing really is exasperating. still trying to push away the negative thoughts that always bring me to self-sabotage, but damn is it frustrating. definitely too much a part of the instant-gratification-generation. i am really thankful for my friends who give me so much support and offer great advice. one particular friend recently said how the journey (towards my goal of the tri) is just as important as the goal, if not more. so true. these next few months are so important, because i am doing what i need to do to make myself healthy, feel good about myself, and incorporate lifestyle changes that i plan on keeping forever. things that i know realistically can not be accomplished in a week or two. sooooo i trudge on. luckily i really am enjoying it. the variety is fun.
guess thats it for now. i'm sure you will all be on pins and needles waiting for the next entry :)
Monday, March 14, 2011
progress is good
so this was a big weekend for me! first of all i wake up sunday morning to find out i have finally reached the 10lb weight loss mark. and since i didn't do much on saturday, i decided to get a swim in sunday. i was itching for a good swim since my last two outings were not very good. and i did great, swam 30 laps! with less rest time in between each lap also. the max i rested was probably 30 seconds, most being between 10 and 20 secs, and when i could i did two consecutively. still working on that, its tough. but 30 laps is more than the length of what i have to swim in the tri. so i was quite happy with that :)
now if you want to hear a funny yet totally disgusting story, continue reading this paragraph. if not, you should skip. so although i am improving with my swimming, i am still getting the breathing coordination thing down, and every once in a while i swallow some water. which in and of itself totally disgusts me given my hatred for public pools. so yesterday i swallow a huge gulp of water at the end of a lap, start to gag, and then throw up in my mouth. now, i can't spit it back into the pool, and i'm in the middle of the lanes, where there is no ladder, so to swim to a ladder and then run to a bathroom would've taken way too long with puke in my mouth. sooo i had to swallow it. absolutely disgusting. other than that little snafu the swimming was good :) aren't you glad you continued reading???
ANYWAYS, for dinner sunday night mike made his famous zuppe di pesce, which is amazing. and he gets this fabulous italian bread from wegman's. plus my father in law brings over two pies, donuts and black and white cookies. (for 6 friggin adults btw. excessive??? and you wonder why we all have weight problems!) my point is that i only had one piece of that wonderful bread, and NONE of the desserts. damn proud of myself i was. i probably could've had a small piece of dessert, but now that i'm seeing denise on mondays, and she weighs me, i wanted to still be at that 10lb mark. and i wanted to prove to myself that i can say no. i def think that seeing her on mondays is going to be really good for me. it will keep me more accountable on the weekends. in the past i have had a bad habit of doing good during the week and then ruining it all on the weekends. AND what reward did i get for my awesome behavior on sunday night??? loss of another 1.5 lbs!! woo-hoo! so i'm down almost 12.
now, yesterday, when i weighed myself, and saw i had lost the 10, initially i was excited of course. but in my usual self-sabotaging way, i start to have fleeting thoughts like, oh big deal, you have so much more to lose, you're still really fat, blah blah blah. however, i am managing these thoughts much better than usual. its crazy how something positive can be turned into something negative in the blink of an eye with me. i am definitely awful to myself. but like i said i think i am handling these thoughts ok, and trying to remind myself that yes, i still have a long road ahead, but as long as i don't sabotage myself, i will continue to make progress and eventually i will be where i want to be. so mentally this is what i'm working on...with each step forward, not to take 3 steps back.
also, thanks to people who make comments on my posts. since i only have like 5 followers haha, i always comment back when someone leaves one. so if you have made one, check back because i probably left one back for you. thanks again to my friends and family for all your support!
now if you want to hear a funny yet totally disgusting story, continue reading this paragraph. if not, you should skip. so although i am improving with my swimming, i am still getting the breathing coordination thing down, and every once in a while i swallow some water. which in and of itself totally disgusts me given my hatred for public pools. so yesterday i swallow a huge gulp of water at the end of a lap, start to gag, and then throw up in my mouth. now, i can't spit it back into the pool, and i'm in the middle of the lanes, where there is no ladder, so to swim to a ladder and then run to a bathroom would've taken way too long with puke in my mouth. sooo i had to swallow it. absolutely disgusting. other than that little snafu the swimming was good :) aren't you glad you continued reading???
ANYWAYS, for dinner sunday night mike made his famous zuppe di pesce, which is amazing. and he gets this fabulous italian bread from wegman's. plus my father in law brings over two pies, donuts and black and white cookies. (for 6 friggin adults btw. excessive??? and you wonder why we all have weight problems!) my point is that i only had one piece of that wonderful bread, and NONE of the desserts. damn proud of myself i was. i probably could've had a small piece of dessert, but now that i'm seeing denise on mondays, and she weighs me, i wanted to still be at that 10lb mark. and i wanted to prove to myself that i can say no. i def think that seeing her on mondays is going to be really good for me. it will keep me more accountable on the weekends. in the past i have had a bad habit of doing good during the week and then ruining it all on the weekends. AND what reward did i get for my awesome behavior on sunday night??? loss of another 1.5 lbs!! woo-hoo! so i'm down almost 12.
now, yesterday, when i weighed myself, and saw i had lost the 10, initially i was excited of course. but in my usual self-sabotaging way, i start to have fleeting thoughts like, oh big deal, you have so much more to lose, you're still really fat, blah blah blah. however, i am managing these thoughts much better than usual. its crazy how something positive can be turned into something negative in the blink of an eye with me. i am definitely awful to myself. but like i said i think i am handling these thoughts ok, and trying to remind myself that yes, i still have a long road ahead, but as long as i don't sabotage myself, i will continue to make progress and eventually i will be where i want to be. so mentally this is what i'm working on...with each step forward, not to take 3 steps back.
also, thanks to people who make comments on my posts. since i only have like 5 followers haha, i always comment back when someone leaves one. so if you have made one, check back because i probably left one back for you. thanks again to my friends and family for all your support!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
new plan
i knew this was going to be tough, and maybe it sounds dramatic, i know people go thru much more difficult physical struggles (lauren), but days like these i just feel like quitting. and its my own fault, i haven't taken a proper day off since last thursday. so right now i'm feeling tired, crappy, defeated, scared about this damn event, and just wanting to up and quit. seriously, i feel like crying. again, not trying to sound dramatic at all. i just think putting your body thru so much physically takes a toll on your emotions as well.
feeling like i needed to restructure a bit, i went online and found a triathalon training program that i think will help me out. it lays out a specific training schedule, with rest days built in. i initially was going to do this, but i wanted some flexibility because i felt it would fit better with my lifestyle. and although i am working out a lot, and doing all three things (swim, run, bike)on a regular basis, i am not sure if its the proper way to train after all. i like the way the program is set up, and i think it would actually work out and fall in line with my regular daily schedule. so starting monday i am going to start this new program and see how it goes. and hopefully it will help to keep me from overdoing it to the point where i am feeling like this. because obviously i can't quit, that is not an option. so, tomorrow will be a definite day off, and sunday if the weather is looking nice maybe a lite bike ride. and most importantly i have to stay positive and keep telling myself that this is not too much for me to handle, i'm one tough bitch ;)
feeling like i needed to restructure a bit, i went online and found a triathalon training program that i think will help me out. it lays out a specific training schedule, with rest days built in. i initially was going to do this, but i wanted some flexibility because i felt it would fit better with my lifestyle. and although i am working out a lot, and doing all three things (swim, run, bike)on a regular basis, i am not sure if its the proper way to train after all. i like the way the program is set up, and i think it would actually work out and fall in line with my regular daily schedule. so starting monday i am going to start this new program and see how it goes. and hopefully it will help to keep me from overdoing it to the point where i am feeling like this. because obviously i can't quit, that is not an option. so, tomorrow will be a definite day off, and sunday if the weather is looking nice maybe a lite bike ride. and most importantly i have to stay positive and keep telling myself that this is not too much for me to handle, i'm one tough bitch ;)
Thursday, March 10, 2011
nike's suck!--haha kara that's for you--just kiddin' :)
so who needs a day off?? i felt good this morning, and really needed to get a run in, and since yesterday pretty much was a throwaway day, i decided to go get my workout on this AM. did some interval running for 35 minutes and then and hour total body class. i feel like i'm struggling a bit with the running. not terribly, but i just wish it was easier to get back into! it sucks when you used to be so good at something, and now i really have to push myself to do even a mile without stopping. the interval running (where you run for several minutes in a row, then walk 1 or 2 mins, then repeat) is really good to build endurance, so i try to do those a couple of times a week. and i can run more total minutes if i do it this way instead of trying to run all i can at once. its all a slow process i guess.
my shout out for the day goes to kara--who i found out is also a loyal follower :) thanks girl! and yes kara, def to each his own with the running shoes. mike loves his nike's as well, and hates asics. i think my present asics still have some life left in them so i'm going to hold off on the purchase of another pair for now.
well i'm going to attempt another swim tomorrow AM and hopefully with better results! and trying to decide when i'm going to take an actual day off.....!!
my shout out for the day goes to kara--who i found out is also a loyal follower :) thanks girl! and yes kara, def to each his own with the running shoes. mike loves his nike's as well, and hates asics. i think my present asics still have some life left in them so i'm going to hold off on the purchase of another pair for now.
well i'm going to attempt another swim tomorrow AM and hopefully with better results! and trying to decide when i'm going to take an actual day off.....!!
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